Con Job

CON JOB

Aaah, another convention. It seems like only weeks ago that we were peddling our wares to the odiferous mass of high-tech, venture-capital financed, start-up, dot com animation companies that have infiltrated the internet with their cheap gags and potty humor. Like us. Wait a minute... it was only a few weeks ago. Damn, this cheap vodka! Here's what happened...

An insightful picture of Stimpy, Marge, and Love You Long Time sharing a tender moment with Chris Takami of FLINCH STUDIO who was wise enough to try and stay out of the picture lest we blackmail him at some future date... Nice crowd you fell into, Chris!

DAY ONE - THURSDAY: I love conventions that open with a raging party, and that's why this one got off to such a good start! We arrived early and proceeded directly to the Registration Room where the wonderful Denine Omand hooked us up with our official-looking passes. In spite of that, we still managed to get harassed by security for failing to show the correct pass at the entranceway. This was almost as bad as trying to get backstage at the Ricky Martin concert! And then, seemingly from out of nowhere, Captain Marge swooped down to warn us from committing the heinous crime of - Arriving At The Party Too Early! "What if they're not set up yet!" Marge cried, waving a righteous finger in the air. "Stand back, do-gooder!" said I, "Or I shall smite thee with my Awesome Key Chain Of Many Useless Keys!" Fortunately for the staff and security of the Roosevelt Hotel, we did find the bar open early, and managed to avoid another battle of epic proportions. Being an expert at the Art of Shmoozing, I immediately approached the most important person of any party - the waitress! Massively impressed by my less-than-formidable strength, spurious logic, and generous tipping skills, she ensured that all of the Duck, You Sucker! needs would be met for the duration of this triumphant weekend. And believe me, they were plenty!

The very lovely, very talented... Dirty Nellie! Er, I mean, Emma! A truly spectacular waitress who catered to our every whim, all for the sake of cold, hard cash! Bless your greedy little heart...

Now that the primary targets had been secured (bar/waitress), the fighting forces of Duck, You Sucker! were ready for action!

Denine Omand manages to squeeze between the towering biceps of Dirty Nellie and Capt. Marge.

First stop, the Mondo Media room where we ran into our good friends at ATOMIC CARTOONS, Sam, Rob and Trevor. Being fellow Canadians, we talked of beer, cartoons, and more beer. When we realized that we had drank our beers, we took some of Mondo's and attempted to mingle. Faster than you can say, "I have breasts, so you owe me," I found myself buying a strawberry margarita for Sam (she's a girl by the way, in case you rocket scientists hadn't figured that out yet...). I was mildly apprehensive walking around with a lame-o drink like a strawberry margarita in my hand. I mean, what would people think? But then I realized that I was in Hollywood, so everyone just naturally assumed I was gay. Sam was so gracious for her blended concoction, that she completely ignored me to talk to some other guys and I found myself stumbling into Stimpy who consoled me with a vodka greyhound.

Stimpy & Nellie. Never underestimate the bonds that a couple of stiff drinks can tie.

Well, to make a long story short, we continued this frantic pace of drinking and talking and drinking and stealing beer from other people's rooms and drinking and running into old friends until it was quite apparent that we had drank enough and that it was time to go home. "Noooo!" I cried, for nobody had warned me that it was 'last call'. Dejected, but determined, we knew that we would return more triumphant than ever! That is, if we ever got up the next morning...

DAY 2 - FRIDAY: It was a beautiful day. Smoggy, hot, smelly, typical for Southern California. 10:00 a.m. found Danno and I sitting on the accommodating and spacious veranda of the Roosevelt Hotel. To the casual observer, it would appear that we were simply two sorry-looking SOB's nursing a hangover with a couple of Bloody Mary's, but in actuality we were more. Much, much more. Spread before us on the table, and spilling ashes on it from a very foul-tasting cigarette, we had a map of the Convention. Every room of every sponsor, seller, and purveyor of internet animation was on it, and let me tell you, there were many. "Which one do we hit first?" our beady little blood-shot eyes scanned frantically. And then suddenly, this happened...

Then, this happened...

And then, this happened...

It was a sign. Danno and I exchanged that knowing glance that only brothers who used to fart in the other one's face while they were sleeping can and cried, "ERUPTOR!" We followed the girls...

ERUPTOR ENTERTAINMENT was only the first of what turned out to be a very long, laborious day (Special thanks to Steve, the bartender, who kept a generous stock of very plump and tasty olives to garnish my Bloody Mary's, as I was too fatigued to actually get something to eat). We hit everybody; SHOCKWAVE, RENEGADE, ATOM FILMS, CUPPA COFFEE, HONKWORK, MONDO, WEBTOONS, WB, MTV, ROMP, you name it. We would've liked to hit STAN LEE, but they were so annoying playing their stuff over and over and over again off the balcony that I was half-tempted to lob one of my olives at them like some pickled hand grenade. Sadly, the damn things were so tasty, I couldn't even part with one. After all was said and done, we had handed out a stack of cards, several CD's, a couple of well-tossed 'Chicken Rad' shirts, and in spite of a great buzz, I had managed to procure several legitimate appointments. A final wave goodbye to our waitress, Emma, and the promise of more singles in my wallet than any time before and the merry men of Duck, You Sucker! called it another day!

DAY THREE - SATURDAY: Once again, bright and early, back at the Roosevelt, sitting at our usual table. Fortunately for me, I had had a blood transfusion only two weeks before, so I was feeling pretty peppy. Armed with a fresh Bloody Mary, and a NEW batch of business cards, I was ready for anything! Alas, my comrades were not faring so well. The rigors of the battle had taken their deadly toll. Love You Long Time slept in, and Stimpy decided to take the day off. Just the two of us, Danno and I, but we had faced worse odds before. After a brief encounter with acclaimed writer and sarcastic bastard extraordinaire, KURT WELDON (where he secretly divulged to me a new idea of his, tailor-made for the refined tastes of the general internet animation audience, entitled 'Piece Of Shit Man') it was off to our first appointment with Adam and Adam of CUPPA COFFEE ANIMATION. Fellow Canadians who looked like they had seen more than their fair share of Convention goers (believe me though, nothing is scarier than the people that go to Comic Conventions...), Adam and Adam were brief and to the point. "Do you want a beer?" they asked. "Does the Pope wear a funny hat?" we replied. And that's how we conducted our business.

Pete Caban of SHOCKWAVE.COM shares some insight and alcohol with Dirty Nellie. Nellie was kind enough to give Pete two rare issues of LAVA MAGAZINE in exchange for valuable trade secrets. What those secrets were, we will never know, as Nellie was too damn drunk to remember anything!

The rest of the day was a harrowing barrage of more appointments, more Bloody Mary's and stealing more beer from people who looked like they could afford it. At one point, I found myself in the Shockwave bungalow, striking into engaging conversation with their bartender (they had their own bartender! Can you beat that?!) for no purpose other than that she was giving me free beer. In fact, we had trouble pulling Love You Long Time out of there for this exact reason, shortly after which, he started yelling obscenities about his private parts across the pool. It was a Kodak moment.

Beer and cartoons. A volatile mixture...

It was miraculous that we hadn't been physically removed from the premises yet! I mean, it wasn't as if we weren't trying! But lo and behold, something miraculous did happen. A legend in the entertainment industry appeared. Could it be Spielberg? Eisner? That annoying little girl in the Pepsi commercials? NO! It was much, much bigger. It was...

KRIS BROWN!

When it comes to heavy-hitters, this man may take the cake. This man. The man behind things so unbelievable, I cannot even begin to express them. This man, responsible for some of the most earth-shattering events to ever happen in our lifetime. This man, who single-handedly did stuff so amazing, there's just no room to describe it on this page! Duck, You Sucker! had to have him as part of our team, whatever the cost! Quickly, we came up with a clever strategy - Let's get him drunk! It seemed to be working. But then, he realized that it was us buying him the drinks at the end of the bar, and not one of the ERUPTOR GIRLS. Our plan was foiled! Dan moved in for damage control...

Danno's valiant attempt at astonishing KRIS BROWN is met with rebuttal. Denied!

Alas, it was not meant to be. No matter how much we tried to ply him with wit, beer and olives, we could not chisel the rock-hard facade that envelops Kris and protects him from lecherous hanger-ons like ourselves. In spite of the humiliating defeat, we vowed to pursue our hero at some later time. Pending any future restraining orders, that is...

DAY FOUR - SUNDAY: What, are you kidding me?! We stayed home and recuperated!

The Con was over. Now came time for reflection. Did we make our presence known to the Animation community? Did we effectively utilize our presentation pieces for maximum awareness of our company? Did we impress our colleagues with our vast range of artistic, writing, and drinking experience? Who knows? All we know is that there's a young waitress at the Roosevelt Hotel who's going to be able to make her rent this month because we had the generosity, compassion, and decency to tip her well. And isn't that what really matters?

"Thank you, Duck, You Sucker! Thank you, oh thank you!"

DUCK, YOU SUCKER! PRODUCTIONS

A COMPANY THAT CARES...

And speaking of thanks, there's a whole slew of people we'd like to thank for making our website and the Con such a smashing success! (You may want to skip this part, unless you're the type that likes to read the liner notes on album covers...)

Thanks to: Our sister, MARGARET, who has put up with countless, last-minute requests for various video, audio and technical services, and always managed to come through with only a bare minimum of bitching at us for it. KIT TOPP, who runs the best 'Ed, Edd n' Eddy' fan site on the web, and has been a constant source of inspiration and support for both our company and our website. GIOVANNI BRESCIANI who helped us with technical dilemmas that were above and beyond our range of understanding. Like operating a toaster. The ERUPTOR GIRLS for being beautiful and refusing to give us their phone numbers. ADAM & ADAM of CUPPA COFFEE ANIMATION who looked like they could use a stiff drink. PETE CABAN of SHOCKWAVE.COM who intimidated us by being affiliated with what seems to be the Mother of all websites. Not like we're jealous or anything. Bastards... ERIC CALDERON of ATOM FILMS who provided cold beer, good conversation, and the promise of paid work on the horizon. Note keyword, 'paid', in that sentence. CHRIS TAKAMI of FLINCH STUDIOS who, against all conventional wisdom, has offered to associate himself with our desperate gang of degenerates. SAM DALEY of ATOMIC CARTOONS who gave out more of my business cards than I did, all for the paltry sum of a strawberry margarita. ROB & TREVOR, also of ATOMIC CARTOONS, who provided an unlimited source of camaraderie and colorful commentary, only befitting of a couple of Canucks (never underestimate the entertainment value of a Canadian, eh?). KRIS BROWN for demonstrating that beer bottles can be opened on the door jamb of somebody else's room with very little property damage. And last, but not least, our lovely waitress EMMA, who made sure that that we remained sufficiently lubricated at all times. Thank you Emma.

A very special thanks goes to DENINE OMAND for getting us in and giving us the opportunity to make complete asses of ourselves once again. DENINE has provided so many invaluable services for us over the years, that to list them all would not only be pointless, but would also force me to sober up in an effort to recall even half of them. And that just won't do...

I would also like to personally thank Dan, Tim and Darrel for pulling this thing off and making Duck, You Sucker! a reality for all of us. WE RULE!

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